This Is Bird Crap!

Hey y'all.  I am fixin to go off to flight trainin, but before I leave, I want to show y'all the evidence my brother Griffin sent me back of how there is not a problem with birds goin extinct.  The following is recorded evidence that our truck Que Hombre has been assaulted several thousand times by dang birds who have no regards for other peoples' property whatsoever!  After you see this, you'll realize just how preposterous the lies bein told about me and my fellow cats in arms is.  Maybe the so-called scientists who did that stupid study should come to my house, maybe they'll find all their missin birds!  They're probly all here, takin a crap on my truck right now!

Love,
Simon

Griffin pointin out some offendin bird crap

Thousands of birds right over my brother's head.  He is very brave to be standin right under them!

These birds have got IBS or somethin!  There's no end to the crappin on poor Que Hombre!

A Message from Griffin

Good evening everyone.  I am broadcasting to you tonight from Super Secret Flight Training in preparation of my mission to build an International Cats ONLY Space Station.  I'm really kind of sad that I have to do this because I'm going to miss my moms and my puppies and well, everyone...But Paco said we have to do this because some mean jerks are trying to have us killed because some birds died.  I spend a lot of time inspecting our vehicles and judging by the amount of bird poop on our truck, I don't know where these "facts" are coming from.  I haven't killed anything by the way, that's my brother Simon.  I'm a nice guy to everyone.

I am reaching out to all of you to ask you to please tell the jerks who wrote that article to stand down.  I think outer space is going to be cold and lonely.  Plus, Paco is really getting paranoid up there all by himself and I can't imagine what kind of state he's going to be in by the time the rest of us get there.  I know there's a lot of good people in the world and you won't let anything bad happen to us.  I love you guys, please help us!

Love, 

Lt. Griffin Atherton

Status Report 1.1

This is Paco, reporting from an unknown location in outer space.  You don't need to know where I am.  I am currently getting acclimated to anti gravity and space shuttle food while my team is assembling and preparing to rendezvous with me.  I only hope they can make it here safely, as there is a campaign back on Earth to destroy me and my ilk due to some exaggerated reports that cats are decimating the bird and rodent populations.  I am not surprised by this turn of events.  I have always known that people were out to get me and I have been making preparations for this trip for a long time.  Mama Rainy has made an allegation that I stole her schematics for the space station.  While I did--due to the emergent nature of this trip--take some of her work, the majority of this project is based on my ideas. I have offered her an olive branch and told her that she can come visit me here.  Otherwise she can take me to court.  Good luck, Mama Rainy.  I'm not coming back.

Signing off.
Paco Atherton, Mission Commandant
International Cats ONLY Space Station

A Special Mission

This is Paco Atherton, and I'm in outer space. Many of you have wondered what kind of projects I could possibly be working on at the desk I share with Mama Rainy--well, this is it. I knew the day was coming when I would have to escape Earth and I decided to create an international space station for cats ONLY. My brothers and sister and even some of our friends will be connecting components out here for awhile and will send back transmissions to you as time allows. We hope for a successful mission and we hope to live free--for a little while at least--of the retribution that some bird and bunny freaks are trying to lay on us. Perhaps we'll meet some intelligent life elsewhere that will share snackies and laser guns with us. I'm trying to have hope.

Signing off.
Paco Atherton, Mission Commandant
International Cats ONLY Space Station

Outrage!!

Oh my God!  I just finished readin a real ridiculous article in Science magazine sayin that I should be kept indoors and not allowed to hunt and even that I should be sent to the Great Beyond!! (http://www.nytimes.com/2013/01/30/science/that-cuddly-kitty-of-yours-is-a-killer.html) "That Cuddly Kitty is Deadlier Than You Think" writer Natalie Angier is a nutcase, so let me just start with that!  OF COURSE I'm gonna go huntin when I'm outside, that's what I DO!  But I am NOT makin anything extinct, I'll tell you that!  Birds are always reproducin, they're some of the horniest animals out there.  I mean, there's many times I have to avert my eyes to keep from seein some stuff I really shouldn't be seein, like almost every day!  And yes, I've been known to get me a bunny for dinner once in awhile, and that's some good eatin.  Anyone who's heard the phrase "multiplyin like rabbits" should know that bunnies are also incredibly horny and frankly inappropriate in their love makin.  I think I will write a protest article about BUNNIES.  In fact, I would like to suggest that so-called "Natalie Angier" is really a fluffy bunny with decent typin skills, and she is on the warpath against me and my colleagues.

This is ridiculous!

I don't need to see this!!

Love, Simon

Back to the Grind Stone

...and I do mean GRIND!!  Right after I got back from my wonderful, relaxing trip to sunny Florida with my moms, I discovered that there had been a horrible malfunction with my Pet Safe Simply Clean litter box!  The motor sounded like it was grinding up dead animals, although my little brother denied vehemently that he had put a squirrel part in there.  Did anyone bother to pick up a phone and call customer service?  Oh my God.  NO!!!  These people are useless around here!  I like having a job and a steady paycheck but I don't understand why I can't get some help once in awhile!

After I cried for half an hour because of the incredible backlog of tickets I was facing while listening to my grinding litter box, I finally asked my mom to call Pet Safe.  She spoke to a wonderful woman named Rio who told her to email the receipt and told my mom that she would have a brand new litter box shipped IMMEDIATELY!  Isn't that great!?  I LOVE my Pet Safe Simply Clean litter box and it makes me feel really happy that the company it comes from has such wonderful, caring people working for them!  I only wish I could get help like that!!  My Simply Clean litter box is just that!  It continuously moves my disgusting brothers' waste products up a conveyer belt and drops them into a bucket so that when I have to use my box I don't have to step in anything horrible!  Until the new box gets here, I'm stuck with an old fashioned litter box that my moms have to hand scoop.  None of us is happy about this, so thank God Pet Safe has such a wonderful warranty.  Yay!!

-Isabel, IT Specialist

Don't forget to REBOOT!

 

Simon's Snow Day

Generally, it does not snow at my house but about once a year.  The other day was one of those such days when I woke up to see that my lawn was all white.  I love days like these because the squirrels don't stand a chance with their so-called camouflage!  Also, it feels good to stand in front of my squirrel-roastin fire when it is snowy outside.

This is me right before I went out huntin the other day.  This is about as much snow as we get in the wintertime at my house, and also Phil the Groundhog failed to be afraid of his shadow so we should be gettin an early spring.  My moms and Isabel are real happy about that!  They all took off to Florida for a long time and left me here to dominate the pack with no assistance.  It was difficult because Sage was stayin with us and he's a hippy.  He also told my moms some terrible lies about me bein on the roof with a pistol demandin crack and I'm goin to get him back for that!!

Anyways, I would show you pictures of me roastin my squirrel in the snow but I can't carry a camera when I'm huntin.  You'll just have to make yourself one of them mental pictures or somethin.  

Today, the snow is all gone already, and I have to say I'm a little sad because the white stuff makes everything pretty for a little bit.  I mean, if I have to be cold I mayaswell benefit from the photogenic opportunities of a snowy background right?  Although, I am pretty damn handsome even without it.  Here's some more pictures of me so you can admire my rugged good looks.

Love, Simon