The Day After

Hello Folks!  Today it is November 1st, which means last night was Candy and Scary Movie Night!   My moms almost missed it on account they was swimmin with sharks at Sanibel Island all day. I was mad they didn't take me,  but when they got home I got to put on my cowboy costume and go trick or treatin so I let them off the hook.  

This is my first time gettin candy in Tampa,  and I was real excited to see all the people sittin out in they's lawn chairs in they's driveways to see all us young uns in our costumes. Unfortunately,  it also means they's watchin us too much to get to throw TP in they's trees,  so that was a bummer. Mama Rainy scared the children with her Dracula cape and my mom was super happy that all the children was so nice and said thank you for the candy. Mama Rainy said this was a good time to get rid of the apples nobody's eatin that's fixin to go bad,  but my mom wisely stopped her.  The key to my mom is good manners!  If them kids had been jerks like them Clarksville kids that one year,  you better believe they're be lookin at a sad,  dead apple in they's candy bag,  but as it is,  my moms gave them Reese's peanut butter cups  and a promise to see them young uns again next year.  

For the rest of the night, we scared the crap out of ourselves with the adventures of our heroes, Ed and Lorraine Warren, and then we all snuggled in bed where we knew we was safe. I love my family.  I know sometimes I give my moms a hard time,  but really,  I know I'm real lucky.  :)

Love Simon

My Apologies

Dear Mama Rainy,

Yesterday we was havin a good time hangin out watchin the Tennessee-Florida football game with Aunt Kim and Cousin Lily and my brothers.  It was a real tense game!  I was torn as to who to root for: I am a born and raised Tennessee boy, and also I am orange.  However, now we live in Florida and our mascot is the gator, and how can you not root for a gator like my good friend Peanut.  However again, the fans look kinda stupid doin their chompy jaws, I can't say I like that.

But I digress.  I admit to switchin loyalties and even statin that I can't lose if I root for both teams.  I might have been a little drunk.  Well, not really.  Anyway, I do remember gettin real excited at one point and yellin out "Kiss my ass, Mama Rainy!  Kiss my ass!" when Florida lowered the boom that one last time on Tennessee, who you was rootin for. You shoulda seen the look of shock on my face when I realized I had taken things too far. I realized it about 5 minutes after you said, "Simon you take things too far."  And by Simon, I mean Julie.  Dang.

I just wanted to tell you that my mom and me is real sorry we rubbed it in your face that our team was winnin.  Also we are sorry that I kept switchin teams.  I love you, Mama Rainy, and so does my mom, and we was just harrassin you like always and sometimes we don't know when we just gone about 50 yards too far.  We's sometimes like Forrest Gump runnin clear out the stadium with the football.

Anyways, I just wanted to say I'm sorry and I hope we can continue havin our good times together.  I love having our deep conversations and I would be real sad if we couldn't talk no more.  I'll try to be nicer.

Love Simon

That One Time, When My Mom Tried to Kill Me

Hello folks,

I hope you's all doin well this nice afternoon.  And if you's not, I don't want to hear it, cause I just survived my like, third waterboardin incident in my life.  It doesn't get any more fun, let me tell you.

So yesterday, I was havin me a pretty good day!  I was layin on the couch readin my comic books and thinkin about why Jaime and Gilbert Hernandez never puts any cats in Love and Rockets--is it cause they don't have no cats in Hoppers??  That don't seem right, especially when Maggie and Hopey goes to outer space.  They could sure use a cat to help them fix them space ships!

Anyways, all the sudden, my mom comes home and she's hell bent to leather to get the ding dang greasy stuff on everyone's necks.  Apparently my brother Frankie had him a flea allergy attack, which is weird, cause we ain't even SEEN one ding dang flea, so I guess the fleas in Tampa is just invisible like Wonder Woman's plane!  And why ain't she got a cat??  What the hell is goin on that superheroes ain't got no cats???  Cats is awesome--they can show you how to do ninja moves and be super stealthy.  PLUS, they's super low maintenence and don't need you hangin around to let them out to pee all the time.  For reals!

So in the middle of the night, my brother Ty Ty totally freaked out, runnin around and chirpin and lookin wild eyed and dang near destroyin the house!  It was like he got ahold of him some bad LSD or somethin--the moms leapt into action to give him a water shower (what the hell????) and put him in the meow box and rushed him to the vet.

Turns out my mom made a real BAD mistake and gave us all Advantix dog flea medicine, which you can't give to cats like you can dog Frontline. She felt real bad because we all coulda died!  My brother Ty Ty wasn't trippin on acid, he was having him some real bad seizures.  We was all real scared for him.

Anyways, she and Mama Rainy came back about an hour later, and mind you, it was the very middle of the night--I wasn't sleepin, but I wasn't exactly up for no adventures neither.  Next thing I knew, I was locked in the bathroom with my brothers and I knew that wasn't good.  One by one, they brought us out, and I just thought, oh damn.  This is bad news, and I ain't figured out how to jimmy the bathroom window yet!  I didn't hear much noise goin on, and it was super weird.  Then my mom came and got me and was singin some lullaby and kissin on me so I knew I was in trouble.  I had a split second to try to dash away, but she is on to my usual tricks and I had no way to get loose.

(Note to self: develop new tricks!)

Next thing I knew, Mama Rainy was puttin me in the kitty burrito, which ain't unlike this picture that we sent to Grandma Christine yesterday:

I got me a dang BATH!!!  Not a good bath, like when you's layin in the sun lickin your fur and thinkin about life and your next adventures, but a WATER BATH, with smelly soap and everything!  Nothin makes me madder than gettin water boarded, but havin it done in the middle of the night is even more insultin and I let my moms know I wasn't takin anymore of their crap.  Of course, Tyson had already bit the crap out of Mama Rainy when she took him in the shower, so I didn't feel the need to give her another bite.  Her antibiotics bill is gonna cut into my snacky budget as it is.

Also, she's delirious now.  My mom asked her how her chin was feelin a couple hours ago and she said it hurt and she was limpin a lot.  OMG.  Mama Rainy is in bad shape, maybe she needs to go to the hospital where Ty Ty is and get her some muscle relaxers and IVs.  I hear he's gettin to eat wet food at the vet too, she might enjoy her some Fancy Feast.  I'm almost jealous.  

My mom talked to the doctor a couple hours ago and she told me Ty Ty is goin to be just fine and he gets to come home tonight after they make sure he ain't trippin no more.  I'm glad to hear that.  Ty Ty is my newest brother but I like him a whole lot and I LOVE watchin him do his stunt where he leaps across the kitchen way high in the air from one set of cabinets to the others.  He's bad ass!  Someday I'd like to be as strong and brave as Ty Ty.  Also, he's real nice and lets me borrow his plane sometimes.  I'll be glad to see him again.

Well folks, I guess that's all I got to say today.  I was goin to tell you about an adventure I had with some elephants and a lonely sea gull, but you tell me THIS ain't an adventure last night!  From now on, I don't care how pretty it is outside, I'm wearin protection!

Love Simon

Reminiscin on a Rainy Day

Hello Folks! I was just lookin out the window and watchin the rain, and I was thinkin about all my adventures I've had. I've been on some wonderful trips and met me some of the best people in the whole world, and I was thinkin I would share some of my pictures with y'all.

 This is some likenesses of me and my buddy Pepe, who lives in Honduras.  I took me a trip down there a few years ago and I met Pepe while he was playin in the waters of the Caribbean and I was lookin for some starfish.  Pepe grew up in them waters and showed me all the awesome starfish!  What a nice guy!

Pepe was a bit of a ladies' man, and he said them cruise ships always brought pretty girls his way.  As you can see, he wasn't the least bit shy about flirtin with a looker, EVEN in front of her boyfriend!  As we say in Mexico, Pepe has him some cojones!

This is Pepe standin guard over the best starfish in the whole ocean so I could have it. Didn't I tell y'all he was awesome??

These here pictures is from when I was in South Africa, to check out them jumpin sharks they's got down there.  They was some truly amazin guys!!!  I had to do some trainin so's the divin boat would know I wasn't in trouble but I don't know why they was worried, because everywhere I go I make friends!

This is me and Cocosta.  She was showin me how you's supposed to jump with your mouth open, which I thought would slow you down, but she said this way if one o them seals was jumpin at the same time, you didn't have to work so hard, cause you was ready the second you got you some air!  She was awesome and sends me postcards regularly.

This is me in the last part of my trainin, swimmin with Cocosta and her friend Isme.  I'm tellin the divin boat that I'm ok, as you can see from my hand signal. The divin boat was a little irritatin, frankly.  They was what you call them "helicopter parents," always makin me come up and tell them I hadn't been shredded yet.  I probly lost me an hour of divin time keepin them happy.  Dang it.

Well, that's all the pictures I have for you folks today.  This one here is for my girlfriend that I still can't tell y'all about, but I wanted to bring her some pretty flowers while she's off bein a diver.  I'm what you call them, a real romantic.

Love Simon

A Cowboy's Tale

And so, at the end of the day, there we was, me and my trusty steed Pedro, havin traveled 1000 miles of the desert and findin ourselves in the middle of Death Valley with no water and no place else to go...

Ding dang, I am HANDSOME!!!  I think for definitely, I'm gonna be a cowboy for Halloween!  And let me tell you somethin else!  My mom had a TIME tryin to find a proper photo to get my outfit from, so clearly we ain't got enough cowboys lettin people take their likeness!  

I was lookin around for a cowboy photo place, cause I thought, well I'll let people take my picture in my cowboy outfit!  Who better to solve the problem?  And I came across this cowboy named Rudy Gonzales, who is a cowboy POET!  OMG, how wonderful is that???

I gotta go, my Aunt Kim is here and me and Cousin Lily gots things to do, but I'll leave you good folks with one a Rudy's poems:

In the dusk of working cowboys comes a time to fill your cup

And to gather by the fire while the dishes gets washed up.
Time to patch up your old rig or lean back and roll a smoke
While somebody tells a windy or somebody tells a joke.
Or some cowboy makes up verses to the tune of wildwood flower and
Each tries to top the other and it's called the Liars Hour.
Now I know it don't sound fancy but it mends a cowboy's bones
When he's been workin' cattle, a thousand miles from home.
--Rudy Gonzales, Cowboy Poet

Dang, Rudy.  That's deep.  You and me is gonna be good friends, I can tell...

Love Simon

Saturday Morning Death March

OMG, I almost died today.  The moms keep looking at the computer and saying they need more points for their vitalities, so they decided to "do a 5k" this morning.  I don't know what the hell that is so I said, sure! I'll go!  'cause I'm a dog and I guess that makes me kind of a dumb ass.

Frankie and me put our necklaces on and got in the truck, and when the moms stopped, we were at the place in the picture I put up.  I found a map of it a few minutes ago, and this is what it looks like:

You guys probably think that's pretty funny, but it wasn't funny to be out there, let me tell you.  Frankie and I walked in the water and tried to mark our trail as much as we could in case we had a chance to escape, but pretty soon we ran out of pee.  I called a cab to meet me at various places too, but all that happened was this dude drove by on a golf cart and he almost ran me over--he sure didn't offer me a ride or any water. Jerk.

So this is the scene for like 41 years this morning:

I think this is the part where Frankie just disappeared from the whole planet.

Oh wait, there he is.  He's working on that super power still.

People on bikes are dicks.

Walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk hell.

Oh yeah, and we weren't even supposed to BE in this part!  I told the moms and they just said "rules, schmules."  That's how they roll.  There coulda been snakes or killer alligators or anything waiting up there, we didn't know.

What the hell is that???

So here's the sign that said you aren't supposed to be on the road. But it was real confusing.  Are they really saying maybe they'll prosecute you? Like if they get around to it? Seems pretty casual to me...

 This was fun though!!!  We got to hang out with a horse!!  I even sniffed his nose and ate some of his grass.  He was cool.  He looked weird with that bag thingy on his head.  I guess he didn't want to see me die.  I kept telling the moms that really I'm like 70 years old in dog years and this is super elder abuse, but they laughed at me.  I couldn't believe it.  Laughed.

There's another horse.  He was going to get help, but it never came.

So anyways, at some point I got to meet a band of old ladies that thought I was somethin, and that kept me going for a little while.  You know how I love my Golden Girls.  And finally me and Frankie made it back to the truck and got to go home.  I drank about 3 gallons of water and laid on the tile to cool off.  My cats couldn't believe what we went through.  The moms said we should do this every weekend.  

Oh, come on...

Love,

The Bruce

Adventure, Adventure

Well hello folks!

I am sorry for not keepin my blog as updated as I should.  I have been real busy washin all my underwears since I got back from my latest adventures!!  Last time we spoke, I had borrowed my brother Ty Ty's plane so I could come back and look for my friend Peanut, but I never did tell y'all about my trip to Pinnacles National Park with my Uncle Adam!

Now, my Uncle Adam ain't really my uncle.  He's been my mom's friend for so many years that she got all confused and thinks he's her brother, so that is what makes him my uncle.  To make things even MORE confusin, my Uncle Adam flat out refuses to have his likeness out on the internet cause he's one a them mysterious types.  He's super cool, and I do admit I aspire to be like him.  He's doin some top secret government work, and when I went to meet him in Los Angeles he wouldn't even let me look over his shoulder at his computer or even check my email!  I would say he was a dick, but like I said, I kind of admire him, so I'll hold my tongue.

Anyways, we went hikin in this awesome wilderness area, and I have some pictures to show y'all, but I had to bring a stand in for Uncle Adam, on account he's so cool and won't release the copyright on his likeness.

The hiking was real, real tough at Pinnacles, and me and Uncle Adam both had a tough time tryin to get up the peaks.  As you can see in the picture above, I tried to help him along when I could.  But it was a real beautiful place and the views had a good payoff!

Also, there was these condors livin up there, and I climbed up to one of the nests to try to get me some eggs, as I hear they is some good eatin, but when I got up there, that bird was BIG!!!  I instead gazed upon his beauty for some time and slinked myself back down away from him.

Uncle Adam and me had some good talks, and we did some campin while we was up there.  One night we drank a bunch of wine that I had left from my trip to Monterey and he did let me take his likeness, but the next mornin he smashed my camera.  Now I thought that was a little rude, but I guess that's the price you got to pay if you's goin to hang out with someone that cool!  Anyways, I will admit he hurt my feelins a little, and that's when I got lonely for my friend Peanut and I headed back to Florida.  

I had no idea where Peanut and Allie had moved to, so I just made sure Ty Ty's plane had lots of gas and I flew all over them ding dang Everglades.  Do you know I did not see me even one alligator??  It was ridiculous.

I finally gave up when the pelican at post 25 confirmed my worst suspicions.  Peanut and Allie wasn't there. I was heartbroken.  I landed my plane and drove off on my motorcycle, and then I got me a great surprise! There was Peanut, layin right there on the road!! 

If I hadn't been payin attention I would've run him right over.  Instead I jumped him, which we used to love to do, and then he told me all about his adventures and I told him about mine.  We had a wonderful time for a couple of days and then I came home to do my laundry.  I'm plannin on goin to visit Peanut again real soon, and he's gonna show me one a his best fishin holes.  I can't wait!!!

Love Simon